I DETEST THIS

I am so so so peeved these days.

I think its cos of exams being just like 7 days away and I have this naggy feeling circulating around my guts like a goldfish swimming in circles in a fishbowl.

Sure it isnt any big exam like T.E.E or O lvls or the like. (even then TEE is only 1 year away)
BUT ITS BECOME MY LIFE.
MY LIFE SEEMS TO REVOLVE AROUND THESE...EXAMS.
I've probably even forgotten what 'social life' is by now.

I havent gone out and really had FUN.. in a really long time.
City trips with Aimi are like taking a walk down to the deli near my house to pick up the daily newspaper.

Gone out with people to just be playful like spend an entire day sitting on a playground in the pouring rain with friends.
Not caring if Im already soaked to the skin.
If the passing cars slow down to stare.
Pull faces at their drivers.

That naggy feeling, it keeps telling me that I will F-A-I-L ie less than 80%.
I suppose this is really high expectations of myself but still I cannot seem to accept anything less than this.

I really hate being a perfectionist.

But its like a disease which I cant seem to shake off.

Im feeling reallly bad too cos I seem to be gaining weight though I dont eat any differently (ok I eat slightly less, AND NO I AM NOT PREGNANT) and though this is super shallow, I cant stand the sight of myself in the mirror.

I really want those 80%'s and therefore I stay home more and face my books more than ever and thus limiting my physical activity. See its all linked.

And I only realised that all the songs I listen to the past few days are all those depressive emo ones. You can see the playcount on my Itunes of all the depressive songs shooting up like hyper blood pressure.

I feel like I have someone competing with me academically. (Though really theres nobody)
I have this huge urge to beat them. To be better than them. and if I cant, then.. I DONNO.
I must be in the top 5% of next years graduating batch. Not from my school only but the whole of WA.

And anything negative people throw at me these days, I take it seriously. Actually I always have. I hate criticism even in its mildest form. I need to be so perfect till I cannot accept flaws. And criticism is a sign Ive flawed. And thus I must rectify that so called 'flaw'



Sometimes I just break into tears halfway through studying.
If you must know, my keyboard is swimming wet right now.

I dont know why I am putting so much frikking pressure on myself.
All I know is that I must.

Please someone, after exams, just bring me out somewhere and make me feel super special, like Im on top of the world. Doing something random.

Like sitting in the rain.

Like a marathon karaoke session.





Or just to a beach and hug me good.