My Distant Self.

I dont like the idea of 'family'
I dont like 'family dinners/gatherings'.





This may sound wierd and really mean to you but to me, family isnt as important to me as it is to everyone, well, not anymore.

I dont like the closeness associated with familys. URGH. To me its the equivelant of a guy going 'hey smoochy poochey my sweetie pieeeeee honey baby...' to his girlfriend. *shivers*

How the hell do people feel naturally close I dont know. I cant stand it.
I like being on my own.
I want to start being self-reliant (but obviously cant yet. dammit).

Why? I only just realised why after a very indepth convo with a fellow friend.


*flashback*





As far as I can rmb I felt that I was looked down upon cos of my shitty primary school reports, everything was either fail or just pass, P5 aggregate also just over 200. Cant compete with some people who got over 250++. So when I was around 12/13 years old and reached high school, I felt that I had to prove that I was something. I studied like mad.

I recieved merit after merit ranging from certs in Perth for getting 7 A's in year 8, Top 10% of sec 2 scholarship money and the latest being on the Honour Roll for being top 10% of Year 11.

But big deal lah. I was a retainee cos of my frequent moving between Perth and Singapore. So even all those wernt that flash to me. Being one year older than your classmates pretty much invalidates any achievements. *screws up above mentioned achievements into the back of my brain*

Then in Singapore, after recieving the scholarship money, I felt I had to do more. Along came an opening in student council. I joined and used it as an opening to flex some of the bottled up urge for power in me. (now you know the motives behind that despo girl in CSP) Damn being at the top felt good then.

Around this time I was also appointed a Drama club vice president, after pissing off Zachary for beating him to that postition which he desperately wanted. Wasnt much even if the name sounds super high class. I just added it to my list of achievements.

And then there was my daily routine. Few know the stress this caused me.
In mid 2004, I moved house and refused to change school cos I was damn sick of all this moving around. So I was out of the house at school from 5.30am and tending to drama or council work all the way till reaching home at 7pm everyday. That just added to my workload and time out of the house = Less time with family.

How many donkey times I fell asleep in class due to sheer exhaustion and I ALWAYS slept in the train and bus home. even if I was standing. Up to the point I got molested by some sonofabitch on the MRT train. Details I wont say but I felt so sick all the rest of the way home, I spent such a long time in the shower that night trying to 'clean' myself up. Up till this day I still curse that blasted asshole and hope his balls drop off. (I didnt carry my handphone then cos the blasted school wouldnt allow handphones).

Because of this lifestyle, I slowly became more distant to everyone. When I came home I always had stuff to still finish off. I was multitasking on the computer/dinner/tv/homeworking every night. The computer became my second home after school, my best friend in Singapore. I slept at 12-1am everyday and was up again at 5am. For one and a half years. Weekends was catching up on sleep.

Because I was so occupied all the time, I slowly talked less and less to my family, instead occupying myself with all these in a bid to be anything but look-down-upon material. Silly yes but I felt a need to achieve.

Up till now I still dont think I have achieved anything much.
Maybe if I got into UWA that would be something, but its isnt the end of this chase of mine.

Now I feel like a total stranger. An outsider.



*flashback to present*

To be honest, I kinda dread large family-orientated occasions such as CNY and Christmas. Reminds me of how distant I am and makes me feel guilty for not being like the rest.

So I draw away even more.
Then I kena accused of being unfilial/ungrateful and all the other loads of nonsense.







Bullshit.
So is this all my fault or not?